“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.” 1 John 4:18

I thought of this verse often, trying to reconcile it with my own experience. I knew God loved me, but I was entrapped in fear like a cocoon. I knew something wasn’t right, but every time I searched for answers from the same men I had already been listening to and reading, my fear actually increased. Then I learned about the idea of Scrupulosity. I never heard this word until I had already started deconstructing. When I came across this website https://scrupulosity.com/scrupulosity/ and understood the definition, it explained so much of what I had been feeling and experiencing. I just didn’t know there was a word for it.

“Scrupulosity is a type of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) characterized by intense, unwanted obsessions and compulsive behaviors centered on religious or moral issues, causing extreme guilt, doubt, and fear of sinning or violating deeply held ethics. It’s not just being devout, but an irrational worry that one has committed a sin, is impure, or displeased God, often leading to excessive praying, confessing, checking rituals, or reassurance-seeking, and it can affect people of any faith or none.”

I remember one Sunday morning in our adult Sunday School class (it was the first Sunday Pastor 1 was there), I can’t recall what the video lesson was about, but I said, in response to a question, “Sometimes I don’t even know if I’m a Christian anymore.” And I felt that to my core. At this time, I was a church member (and had been for many years) and an elder’s wife. I didn’t feel this way because I had stopped believing in Christ (quite the opposite). It was because I felt like new rules and expectations were being added every time I went to church. Not just by one person, but by many.

With every new “rule” or expectation of what a good, true, biblical Christian looks like, I added it to my (mental) list of another way I was failing. In everything, the list of do’s and don’ts, the constant questioning, there was always such a sense of urgency; that time would run out before I had the opportunity to complete or fulfill anything I was supposed to do. Here were a few things on my running list that had been directly stated, inferred, or implied by a “spiritual authority” figure.
If you’re a biblical Christian, you are:

• Having the right doctrine
• Always praying
• Reading your (ESV Reformed Study) Bible
• Listening to “these” celebrity pastors
• Keeping the Sabbath
• Reading the Puritans
• Catechizing your kids (or those entrusted to you)
• Homeschooling
• Listening to the proper Christian music (not KLOVE), mostly hymns
• Complementarianism
• Exhibiting the Fruits of the Spirit, but especially certain ones if you’re a woman (like submission?)
• Helping at church in various ways, but women in the kitchen and nursery
• Speaking to your loved ones about Christ at every opportunity, or you don’t really love them
• Voting as a conservative Republican
• Keeping the home in the proper way
• Remembering and not usurping your “role”
• Chastising adult children for not living the way “they should”
• Being “modest” -which varies from church to church and is only about how you dress if you’re a woman
• Your heart is deceitful above all else (this does not apply to “spiritual authorities” somehow), even though Jesus has saved you

There were more. But these are some of the ways you have to look, act, sound, and think in order to be a “true” and “biblical” Christian. I love how the word “biblical” gets thrown around to add weight and authority to an opinion. I’ve done it too. It is a common practice in these circles.

When I really started unraveling, I would lie in bed, just awake, and already be dreading the day. During this time, I despaired of life. I would think about all the ways I wasn’t good enough and didn’t measure up, how I was not Christ-like enough, how I didn’t exhibit the Fruits of the Spirit enough, especially…all of them. I would think things like:

• What if I’m not really a Christian?
• Are my motives what they’re supposed to be?
• Did I have the right “heart attitude?”
• What if something I said or didn’t say contributed to someone I love not being saved?
• What if I missed the opportunity God had given me?
• Would God send someone else who could do it better?
• Was he angry and disappointed with me?
• Had I grieved the Holy Spirit because I had such a bad attitude and was not “rejoicing” in all my circumstances?
• What if I have unrepentant sin in my life, but I don’t know what it is

When I went for comfort and counsel to my “spiritual authorities,” they had little to none to offer. Actually, getting counsel from people who touted “only biblical counseling” (no worldly, secular counseling) was rare and often nonexistent. The “counsel” they offered was poor at best and was focused on their own interests.

The anxiety and constant rumination continued to increase until my body started physically reacting. I was in physical pain after listening to certain sermons. I gained about 30 pounds over 2 years. My anxiety and vertigo came back with a vengeance. I started getting migraines again. I wasn’t sleeping well. I had brain fog and couldn’t think clearly.

The idea that God was angry and disappointed with me all the time kept me trapped in this pattern of thinking while also making me miserable. That type of thinking kept me in these places longer than I would have been had I not been so wrapped up in “fear of God,” which were actually just ideas being promoted by men. Keeping people in fear is a form of spiritual abuse. Using fear, manipulation, coercion, etc., under the guise of “this is God’s way” is spiritually abusive, even if the person doing it doesn’t realize what they’re doing. And some of them do.

And then I stopped. I stopped going to those churches and listening to those pastors. I stopped elevating the sense of urgency I had, which did not allow for healing. I stopped because I came face-to-face with the fact that these same people who touted “spiritual authority” and doing things “God’s way” didn’t actually believe it. When confronted with truth and decision, they chose themselves and the status quo that kept their position and community. They didn’t want the real Jesus, and what he stands for; they just wanted what he had to offer and what they could use. I didn’t stop because I wanted to. I stopped because I was confronted with the truth, who Jesus is, and was compelled to stand for him no matter the cost.

It’s been a slow process, which is scary for someone who’s lived with a sense of urgency for many years, but Jesus has been with me every step of the way, even when I didn’t feel him near. I know this because I could not pull myself together or pick myself up or overcome my compulsion -fueled by legalism from “spiritual authority” figures to “keep the law.” The law that I don’t live under anymore. I live under grace because of Jesus. I forgot. In the middle of these last few years, I had forgotten who I belonged to. I took this horrible detour into the land of fundamentalism, and I do not recommend it.

“You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of men.” 1 Corinthians 7:23

I started remembering the grace that Jesus had covered me with all those years ago when he saved me. I remembered that it was all his work and none of mine. I started listening to people who were gentle and kind and knew Christ. I started listening to and reading other stories and authors that had been “off limits.” I started reading my Bible again (after 1 year of not reading it) because I wanted to, not to earn anything. I started resting in Christ again and casting my care on him. What I needed was just the Gospel and the reminder of who Jesus is and who I am in him. He reminded me. He brought me back again.

“…being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6