There are things that happen in life that profoundly change us. Breaking up with the American church, although I didn’t realize it at the time, has been that for me. I was only trying to stand for what was true: the true Jesus, the true Gospel. And ended up deconstructing a lifetime of cultural beliefs, a milieu I didn’t know existed or set out to change. My experience in church over these last few years has so disillusioned me that I thought I might never recover, and in many ways, I won’t. I’m in a better space now, but the things I’ve learned through this have forever altered my view of what the church actually is, what it’s purported to be, and what it should look like. As I began deconstructing church culture, I quickly discovered that mine is not an isolated experience (although I’ve felt isolated many times during this long season), but that many other people share a frighteningly similar story, some of which are even worse than mine. It made me reevaluate not only my long-held beliefs about what the church is, but also what we, as Christians and the true Church, should look like.

Most of you are here because we share a commonality of American “Christian” culture in some way. Because we all have unique experiences that confirm our beliefs, there’s a lot of nuance that’s required here. The idea of nuance can be difficult for people (myself included) who are used to only black and white thinking, because we so desperately want every single thing to be categorized into either good or bad, right or wrong, do or do not. But that’s not how life works. Life is lived in the tension. It’s lived in the push and pull of our everyday lives.

This blog is about deconstructing American church culture and recovering the true Jesus. You may be asking if that’s necessary. And I will answer by asking you a question: Have you taken a look around at the average evangelical church in America lately? It looks more like a corporate business model than a gathering of believers meant to encourage one another in the Lord, share their gifts, and go out into the community to help and share the good news of the Gospel.

We have left our first love, Christ (Rev. 2:4). We have forgotten the faith that saved us (Gal 1:8-9), and the whole focus of church culture has become celebrity pastors with large platforms, programs, and entertainment propped up by a myriad of secondary and tertiary issues. Meanwhile, the Gospel has been obfuscated, conflated with other things, or abandoned altogether. And the name of Jesus is used in vain or as a footnote to uphold the hierarchy of the “church.”

The American church has been institutionalized, promoting and guarding the system rather than the individuals in the body of Christ. Daily, I see allegations of abuse of all kinds coming out about church pastors, leaders, elders, and members, with little to no accountability or justice. The people in many of these organized institutions are little more than bodies to be used, and when they go against the system, they end up being collateral damage, discarded and left to fend for themselves. This is not the true Church, and it is not the heart of Christ.

Some of the articles I’ve written here are from when I was in the middle of a very dark season, and, although I’ve got my bearings a bit more now through God’s continued grace and some therapy, I think it’s important to share the hard parts, too.

For the sake of understanding, I will be referring to what I call the institutional church (American church and its culture) with a small c. And I will be referring to Christ’s true Church, the body of believers that he will not let the gates of hell prevail against (Matt 16:18), with a capital C. There is a significant difference between these two things, and I hope that through this blog, you will come to understand what I mean.

The thoughts and opinions I share are my own and are based on my personal interactions and experiences. I do my best to tell the truth accurately, as I remember it, and largely based on things I wrote during that time, including texts, messages, emails, comments, letters, and notes.

about me

I have been in some type of church environment for most of my life. Starting at age 5, when I went to live with (what would be) my adoptive parents, who pastored an Assemblies of God church. Later, in my late 20s, after I had a family and a conversion experience with Jesus, my life was forever changed. I became a faithful churchgoer and member for almost 20 years.

These last few years unraveled me. My views and beliefs surrounding what we call the church in America changed, and I began searching for the true Church, what it means, and what it looks like. I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know if I have any answers except Jesus, his Gospel, the Bible, and guidance from the Holy Spirit. I do have a lot of questions, though.

Credentials? None. Well, I am a layperson in every sense of the word. An amateur, really. But I love information, reading, listening, and asking questions. I love putting things together that don’t necessarily seem to have a connection. I also enjoy sharing ideas and information, often researching topics that arise from personal experiences.

Most importantly, to me, I love Jesus because He first loved me. His grace has covered my life, and I have never been the same since he saved me from my sins, from myself, and unto himself. That is why the process of deconstructing what church is in our current culture versus what the true Church is has been so grievous to me. I hope you’ll come along as I walk out this journey of deconstructing a (often) harmful church environment and culture, and recovering what it means to be a true follower of Jesus. Again, I don’t have all the answers, but I ask a lot of good questions.

Also, I am a wife to my dear husband, Scott, a mom to two adult sons and two lovely daughters-in-law, and a grandma to two grandsons – the highlight of my life!

-LeDawn