I have many fond memories of Sunday mornings, looking around at the congregation and feeling a part of the Body of Christ, singing together, hearing God’s word preached, and reveling in the fact that all believers everywhere are connected to us. Thinking of the future when we’ll be able to see with our eyes what we can only sense in our spirit. How awesome it will be to join together one day in the new heaven and the new earth. But for now, sometimes, we get just a taste of what that will be like. Reflecting on these memories and what the future holds for believers, when we will see Christ face-to-face, fills my heart with such joy.

Then I remember what has happened over the course of the last couple of years and how our church community has been stripped from us. All because we would not compromise the truth of the Gospel being rightly preached, or be complicit in another Jesus being preached. It felt like a nightmare for a while. It was disorienting.

The rhythm of our lives was disrupted, and our week ceased to circle around Sunday morning and church events. We tried other churches in hopes of keeping the rhythm and finding some semblance. But it was no use. It wasn’t just the going and meeting, but the responsibility to others, the friendships (in their various stages), where the connection was broken. Few reached out. Some that did were in positions of “authority” with accusations against us. It took a physical toll on me. I remember feeling this way before, my body feeling “beat-up” after his sermons. It was exhausting. I used to suck it up, hold it in, keep it together, but these days the tears come easily.

The loss of my church community has been one of the most significant losses I’ve experienced. Looking back, maybe the whole structure surrounding the church was wrong. We lost our “church” community because we would not compromise on the Gospel and who Jesus is. I would do it again, because nothing is more important than these truths. Of course, there were other serious issues at play, but to me, these stemmed from an improper understanding of the Gospel and following another Christ. If the foundation is broken, what use is it addressing the color of the walls?

We did everything we knew to do in a “biblical” way. Whose idea of biblical? That’s a good question I ask myself now, but at that time, it’s what we had been taught to do. A lot of Matthew 18, which, now I know, didn’t apply to this situation. However, my husband and I still went to the Pastor and the elders with our concerns right away, as they came up. I clearly outlined my issues in writing. Many conversations were had. We did not seek outside counsel, but I wish we had (although I’m not sure with whom). But any outside counsel would be labeled “gossip,” or worse, slander, as we later discovered. Did we handle things perfectly? Probably not. But I don’t know how else we could have handled the situation we were in.

We had been part of this denomination, between two churches in our area, for about 16 years, and active members for the majority of that time. We had formed friendships and rapport with so many. And it just dissolved in, what seemed like a moment.

So much of my identity had been in being a church member. I loved it because I loved the people in it (the Church). I felt useful and purposeful. I was good at it. To have it stripped away has been so painful. So vulnerable. I look to Christ. I don’t know what the future holds for us in terms of our church community. I hope to be part of another group of believers that assemble together. We attend a church now; my husband goes in person, and I usually watch online. But we won’t be “members” there.

It’s been difficult to let go of my identity as a “church member” while holding onto my identity in Christ. Of course, since my identity is in Christ, I know that I am part of his Church. The church is not the building, but the people who gather within it. The church is not confined to buildings or Sunday mornings, but as each of us goes out into our individual lives and spheres (work, home, businesses), we live out being the Church.

If the focus of our assembling together is not on Christ and what he’s done, but on a political ideology wrapped in “Christian” lingo or some other focus, is it still a gathering of the Church as outlined in the New Testament?

Is “church” still the Church when the gospel is not being preached and the Jesus that’s being preached from the pulpit is not the one from the Bible?

No. I don’t think it is. At that point, it is simply an organization, an institution, a system, or a business. There may be Christians attending this organization, but that doesn’t make it the Church. Individual Christian people make up the Church. We have a meeting place where we gather together, but that place is not the church, even though we often refer to it as such in our culture. So, if, when we’re meeting together, there is no gospel being preached and another Jesus being lifted up (as warned about in 2 Cor. 11:4), then it’s no longer an assembly of believers. It is nothing more than a club.

I get anxious when I go to church now. It feels overwhelming to my body. If it’s loud or crowded, it makes it worse. My senses get overstimulated, and I can’t listen. Fight or flight kicks in, and I can barely sit still. I hope it won’t be like this forever. But I’m trying to give my body what it needs right now, which is rest and not pushing when I feel like things are too much.

I know my Christianity does not hinge on being an active “member” of a church (although some say it does). I belong to Christ and am united with other believers, regardless of my membership status in the church. I’m still working through what it looks like in this current era of the Evangelical Church in America and how that aligns with, or does not align with, the Bible’s definition of assembling together with other believers. I hope that God has something else planned for us, but for now, we’re resting in this place of not knowing and doing the best we can in this season. It sucks. But it is getting a little better.

I also know, because I listen to A LOT of stories, that I’m not the only one going through this. And I think in this current political climate, this type of thing is only going to get worse. I feel for and pray for others who are going through the loss of their church community as well. I want to remind you (as I remind myself) that Christians are not limited to a particular church building. There are other believers in your area. Just because you don’t (necessarily) go to “church” with them does not mean you cannot meet and fellowship with them. Please do. Meet with other Christians even if you’re not attending church anywhere or only “attending” online. I’m praying for all of us.